When you know the ending
Occasionally I re-read books. Not every book works with re-reading, but some do. At the moment I am re-reading The Lord of the Rings. I've reached a dark bit, but because I know the ending, even though I feel for the characters, I am not sad really. If I could speak to them, I would say "press on, little ones, it will be good!". However at these same passages on my first reading I myself was filled with doubt and fear as to whether it would all be good. It must be a bit like that for God watching us. The hardest chapters of our lives are given extra significance for him - he knows the strength of character to be forged from this battle, the outcome to be won from that, and he knows when our struggle against a particular thing is 5 minutes from breakthrough. I wonder how many times he has longed to say to me, in the midst of fear and pain, "press on, little one, it will be good"...
Sometimes when you talk to a friend you know the ending. You know that God will rescue them, that he will bring unimaginable joy out of their deepest pain. It doesn't mean that you don't feel their sadness, and that you aren't saddened by it, but it does give you a different perspective. I think this is why Jesus wept at Bethany.
What if...
The weather never changes? What if every day is as hot as this, and as dry as this, and as polluted as this, until the planet chokes? It's eerie - the forecast on BBC weather for the next 5 days is exactly the same as today. At what point would we start worrying?
City Life
A few years ago I made a decision not to join the rat race of the City. I'd worked there before University, and hated the lifestyle and the long hours. Last night I found myself thinking that if I was in the City I'd do the same hours as I'm doing at the moment but for double the pay. There are two possibe courses of action:
1) Leave job, find job in City.
2) Learn to delegate.
I'm going to go with 2 as more satisfying and useful in later life. So how do I do it?
Life is full...
In the immortal words of one C. Black, "Life is full, full of surprises", and never more so than at a friend's surprise birthday! What fun!
I haven't blogged for a while. These days I tend to do most of my thinking while walking. While I lived in Cambridge I hardly ever went anywhere, so was a far more dedicated blogger, and 3 sizes bigger. The other problem with my blog is that people who know me read it. I'm thinking of starting another somewhere, and not telling anyone...
Done
It's finished, and has been received their end. I feel like I've run an intellectual marathon. It was 51 pages of content which I didn't know I had in me at the start. Either NLP is right, and we have in us all that we set out to do, or God miraculously helped me! Based on a few key moments when I was utterly stuck and I prayed, I'll go with the latter. And now a bonus day of annual leave is all that remains between me and a weekend spent with some friends I've been away from for far too long!
Nice
Tonight I had a bit of a breakthrough in some ways. Worked late, prayed with a friend for a bit, then staggered home under the weight of a bag full of more work. Usually Thursdays are my only night in, and my housemate's only night out, but tonight our schedules coincided, and we sat on the sofa to eat truffles and drink red wine. Then we talked, better than we have talked in a long time. I realised in that conversation that I'm not as different as I think I am, that I'm not the only person with the fears I have.
At the moment I'm realising a lot of the fears I have hidden - as usual man things are acting as some sort of catalyst for bringing it all back to God and begging to be changed. The answer is deceptively simple; the answer is to trust.
Cutting down the proud, and lifting up the fearful
This is one of my new favourite verses:
No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
It's from Psalm 33. I like it because when I am proud, when I'm leaning on my own understanding, trusting in my own strength, I need to remember this. I like it because when I'm feeling inadequate and illequipped, it reminds me that it's ok.
The last few weeks I've felt a bit like I'm walking on water, sunk about a foot or so, so the going is tough, but if I just keep my eyes on the One who leads me, I won't sink. I don't know how long it's sustainable for, but I want to be closer to the surface.