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I found out this afternoon that around 40 hours from now I have to submit a comprehensive business plan for a cafe in a health centre. I have never done this before. Getting through the first stage stretched me, and my blagging skills, enormously, so this stage 2 document is filling me with fear. At the back of mind is a bit of the thrill of the chase - my quarry is the finished plan, and I'm not yet totally off the scent. The annoying thing is that, on the advice and indeed nagging from my friends, I have booked a day's annual leave on Friday just to rest, except now I'll be so tired from not going to bed tomorrow that I won't even enjoy it.
Found out the other week that the going rate for my job in the sector is 40k - let's just say... "grrr"!
Nice
Tonight I had a bit of a breakthrough in some ways. Worked late, prayed with a friend for a bit, then staggered home under the weight of a bag full of more work. Usually Thursdays are my only night in, and my housemate's only night out, but tonight our schedules coincided, and we sat on the sofa to eat truffles and drink red wine. Then we talked, better than we have talked in a long time. I realised in that conversation that I'm not as different as I think I am, that I'm not the only person with the fears I have.
At the moment I'm realising a lot of the fears I have hidden - as usual man things are acting as some sort of catalyst for bringing it all back to God and begging to be changed. The answer is deceptively simple; the answer is to trust.
Pride cometh before a fall
So having sneered at others for their sick-taking ways, I have now come to the end of my second day off. For years I have called man-flu flu, but now I know real flu. It's made me all delirious and weird, and I can't spell.
Tomorrow I absolutely have to be better. I have a new member of staff starting, who also happens to be a friend, and I really want to be there. I also worry that everyone else will be monkeying around and getting behind in my absence. So tonight I'm going to eat 7 kinds of vegetables and 3 kinds of fruit, and then head to bed with night nurse pills. Tomorrow I WILL be totally, 200% well. Yes, yes I will.
I have got my internet-hating housemate addicted to facebook. Hahahahaha...
Courage
Sometimes I think there are two Gods - the one of the Old Testament - petty, local and definitely not one who would like a monkey like me. Then there's the God of the New Testament - radical, all-loving, full of grace. Yet lately I keep stumbling across passages like the below, and it seems the the character of God didn't change, rather that his passionate longing for reconciliation with his people was embodied, and with that there was a different revelation. Last night I read this, in Isaiah 51:
"I, I am he who comforts you; why then are you afraid of a mere mortal who must die, a human being who fades away like grass?
You have forgotten the Lord, your maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth. You fear continually all day long because of the fury of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction.
But where is the fury of the oppressor?
The oppressed shall speedily be released; they shall not die and go down to the pit, nor shall they lack bread. For I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar."
Of late I have been saddened by the corruption and general purposelessness of the Labour Party. In the words of some song, "I need a hero" - but here is all the hero I will ever need. One who speaks and acts for the oppressed. One who never stops banging on about them, yet has compassion for the oppressor too. Which is lucky for me, since with my purchasing habits and general Western lifestyle, I am an oppressor too.
The peace that passes understanding
This afternoon I had an IT glitch, and lost about 10 hours of work, in a week in which I will, by Sunday, have worked about 70 hours. When it happened, I MSNed a couple of colleagues, and they came through and prayed with me for a bit, and then one of them made me a hot chocolate. At around 6:30, I headed off to one of their homes, where they made me dinner while I carried on working. Since we prayed, minute by minute the stress has ebbed, and now I feel at peace. My to-do list hasn't shrunk at all, and external deadlines still stand, but I've found, once again, that peace is not dependent on circumstances.
These past weeks have been very themed. It's all been about not depending on myself. It's about leaning back, and trusting God to do stuff that I simply can't do any more. It's something I learned so profoundly when I was in 6th form, then almost entirely lost sight of while at University. I don't know whether I would've re-learned all this anyway, or whether it's a result of being less cynical. Either way, it's really good.
Sleepytime.
Cutting down the proud, and lifting up the fearful
This is one of my new favourite verses:
No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
It's from Psalm 33. I like it because when I am proud, when I'm leaning on my own understanding, trusting in my own strength, I need to remember this. I like it because when I'm feeling inadequate and illequipped, it reminds me that it's ok.
The last few weeks I've felt a bit like I'm walking on water, sunk about a foot or so, so the going is tough, but if I just keep my eyes on the One who leads me, I won't sink. I don't know how long it's sustainable for, but I want to be closer to the surface.
How the bitterness is going
Those of you who remember things will remember my resolution to fight against the bitterness and cycnicism that I have allowed to creep into my heart over the past decade or so. Thus far it's actually going really well, which is encouraging given that January is the month of scary anniversaries.
I'm learning that weeding out bitterness is a partnership process. It requires me to make choices, to nip thoughts in the bud and retract comments, but is made possible by a gradual softening of the harder parts of my heart.
As a side-effect, I'm finding that I'm praying with more faith - yay 