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Being brave on the outside
Today (after 2 years) I finally plucked up to the courage to go into
Cult Clothing and tell the manager that I really don't like that poster
in their window. The porn star one. I tried to not get angry, but it
was really hard not to smack the guy, when he tried to tell me "it's
just advertising". There must be limits, there must! I told him that as
far as I knew, advertising was to make people buy your stuff, and
therefore this advertising was unsuccessful, because it had kept me
away for 2 years. He said he'll look into it. I said "I'll be back". I
think he thinks I'm a loser.
I want to ring everyone I know in Cambridge and get them to go in and
complain too, but I think part of that is about saving face. Maybe the
guy thinks I'm a loser, but if there are 50 other losers, I don't mind
him thinking that.
It's so hard not to play dirty, to try and shame people into changing
things like this. It's especially a challenge not to manipulate in
other ways, to threaten, to cajole, or in honesty, to lie. I want to
change the world, but I think I need to change first. Like, a lot.
But I went to the market and that was nice, so now I feel at one with
nature. I hope I'm not just going to count food air-miles like some
people count calories. If living ethically means giving stuff up, it's
a
bit like a diet... but it's for freedom, and life, not for self. So
maybe it isn't like a diet.
01223358775 is the milkman's number. Tomorrow I'm going to call
him. Maybe if I don't get any temping work I could just be here all day
and
I put my blind up today. It's a bit crooked, and the hacksaw is now
just some metal gums, but it's up. No more hanging a towel over the
curtain rail. I wonder what else I can drill today...
I had a dream last night and it fit me like a glove
Last night I dreamed that I was flying. I think it was a sent dream, not a made dream, mainly because there were no robo-dogs or mudanities. In my dream I could leap into the air, catch a current, and soar. But the flying was a gift I'd been given, for a mission I had to accomplish. So even though when I was in the air it was exhilarating, and I could go where the wind took me, there were times of walking on solid ground and trying to leap into the air but not taking off.
So I thought maybe this is about where I'm at right now, feeling like I've glimpsed something I want more of, but I don't get to do it all the time.
Does anyone get to do it all the time? To feel like they've left the ground, and are moving in 3-d? If it's a thing you can have 24/7, then I want it. Or do I need to learn that it's not a thing for all the time?
Is it my fault I'm not flying right now, or am I grounded by God? I really need to know.
What brand am I?
What brand am I? What are my colours? Has that poster gone yet
from Cult Clothing? Is it good or bad (or do I need a new frame) to let
go off friendships when separated by place?
George Bush has nominated Harriet Miers to take the place of Sandra Day
Connor on the US supreme court. Conservatives are unhappy because it's
not clear whether she's a moral conservative. I'm unhappy because she's a corporate lawyer, and George Bush's
lawyer at that. The Corporation
is probably the best documentary I've
seen, and my conclusion from it was that corporations somehow typify
the worst of our time, with low responsibility allied to massive
aggregation of wealth and power. Corporations are like sociopaths,
apparently. Why does it rain on the just and the unjust? I guess if it
only rained on the unjust they'd charge the jsut for water, and if it
only rained on the just, the unjust would nick their umbrellas. That's
trite, but maybe there's a point in there. Injustice and selfishness
are physical states, which we should work to rectify, but they are also
heart attitudes, moral states, relationships to God and the world. If
the unjust were thwarted in one way, they'd probably be unjust in
another way the next day. Incidentally, the unjust is not some 'other'.
the unjust is me.
Gabriel told me something good today. Apparently at times of transition
there are four Jungian Archetypes, roles we need to have represented in
the people around us. They are King/Queen, Warrior, Magician, and
Friend/Lover. I wonder who my friend/lover and king/queen would be? I
guess we have to permit people to be these, as well as offering them
ourselves.
Have you ever dreamed of something for years, then realised that it may
not be yours to actualise? Today something I've prayed for all the time
I've been in Cambridge became a possibility, but about 5 minutes later
came the realisation that there was someone else faar better placed to
carry out the vision there, and also that I needed to release/ask them
to do that. So three years of praying and groaning, and probably the
only vision I've ever had with any degree of longevity was all about
one little moment, and one little question to a friend, on the sofa in
the lower lounge? It's really hard. Sometimes the challenge is to say
"here I am, send me", but sometimes it's "there they are, send them
instead". Oswald Chambers talk about this in My Utmost For His Highest,
a book so challenging I've never managed to get beyond a few months. He
writes "Are you ready to be not so much as a drop in a bucket - to be
so
hopelessly insignificant that you are never thought of again in
connection with the life you served? Are you willing to spend and be
spent; not seeking to be ministered unto, but to minister? Some saints
cannot do menial work and remain saints because it is beneath their
dignity." Selwyn belongs to God, not to me! The vision was never mine,
it was always His.
I'm a Bad Christian - officially
Or at least according to these strange people.
Try it
It's gone!
The poster is gone! I don't really understand the world anymore. The man thought I was a loser, but he did it anyway. Why did I wait two years? The other good news is that now I can buy stuff from there again. Yesterday I bought a skirt.
Jason is really bad
He just swore. Also, he got the lowest score of any of us on the bad christian test (-109). He's a welsh socialist.
So anyway, today I have been winding myself up about fundamentalism. It's some kind of addiction - reading how stupid other Christians are so that I can feel clever and merciful by comparison. It's gotten me thinking more generally about the tension between non-judgemental love for each other, and discernment of wrong things being taught. How can it be ok that there are preachers who tell their congregations that George Bush is a godly man? If I believed that God approved of George Bush (the president not the man), it would so profoundly change my theology that He would not longer be the same God. Maybe that's why I get so cross about it, because I'm scared that they're right, and that God is a nasty stingy bigot (which I currently don't believe He is). 
I think I need to resolve these questions before I get much older. Maybe I need a conservative penpal. Would anyone out there like to assist me in finding a nice conservative (preferably an American fundamentalist) to broaden my mind?
What are you sure of?
Yesterday's comments got me thinking about certainty, and its place in a postmodern world. It's supposed to be attractive, to an extent, but dogma can repel people.
So what are you certain of? And what things lead to certainty?
Now I'm wondering about the relationship between faith and proof.