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A hope, and a future
This year, for the first time (I think), I am making some resolutions. They are thus:
1) To be assertive at the right time. I need to stop being so shy around strong people, but less selfish around the easily swayed.
2) To not be bitter any more. I'm going to listen to my own rants about cycnicism and hope.
This Friday would've been Stuart's and my fifth wedding anniversary. I usually spend this time of year in a bit of a slough of despair. So this year I'm going to do something different. I'm going to take Friday off work and get on a train to the Peak District. I'm going to walk on my own in the hills, and be full of hope and lay some things to rest. I'm going to believe in God.
Still resolute
The resolutions are going well. Last weekend I went away by myself for 24 hours in the Peaks, getting very wet and muddy and stiff but also encountering peace. I had a bit of a mini-Easter really - a day of grieving and a day of rejoicing.
I've noticed a change in myself this new year. Last year I was hungry to be in management, and was pleased each time a new person was added to my team. I think things are changing so I'm becoming more task-focused. So I want new people and new responsibilities in terms of getting more done, but I'm no longer so bothered about where I fit into that. The other day I even found myself trying to offload a member of staff onto someone else. I like changing - it's good!
Something I never knew...
Work is like therapy, but instead of paying to attend, you get paid. I feel like I've grown more in the past few months than over the past 4 years, though hindsight isn't the most reliable framework for judging this. I've had 2 jobs that I've absolutely hated in my life, and they didn't teach me much beyond 'never, ever do a job you hate for a psycho boss or your personal life will fall apart and your hair will fall out', something I wish I'd learned in one month instead of eight.
But now I'm in a job I really enjoy and I'm changing all the time. I don't love my job every day, in fact at the moment it is really quite hard, but I feel alive in it, and know it is the job I was made to do at this time. I'm getting over being addicted to praise, and can do good things now without needing a pat on the head. I'm getting over wanting to run the show, and am in danger of doing the opposite, and trying to palm my staff off onto other people. And, dare I say it, I'm sort of seeing a connection to the wider plan, even incorporating some of the stuff I wish hadn't happened in my life. I guess the biggest lesson for me in this is that I couldn't have made it happen myself. This was not the job I chose when I decided to come to London. That one was, on paper, far more exciting and rewarding. So if I'd gone with my plan, if I'd done what I thought wise in order to build myself a good life, I wouldn't be here, and in fact would be looking at being jobless in March. I've been dilemming in a fairly background way over the past few weeks about whether to get involved in local politics here in Newham or in Tower Hamlets where I work, and where I grew up. Maybe it doesn't really matter...
Can I just throw in that Apple Inc. is making me inordinately happy today.
For all your buttermilk needs...
I was trying to find a recipe for cornbread.
Tonight I had my first dinner party in my new house. I have felt ill all week, been struggling with insomnia for 2 weeks, and was feeling at the pinnacle of stress today as we announced our restructure this morning, and I've taken on a massive new team. But then I got home, got 4 pans on the hob, made mousse, slow-baked some fish, and stirred my stress into the soup, so that by the time my guests arrived I was positively zen-like.
I do love my job, and most of the time I feel happier at work than anywhere else, but in recent months I have discovered that my favourite place is the kitchen. This bothers the progressive in me - women have been fighting for years to get out of the kitchen (I know that's silly). It also makes me wonder if I'm in the wrong job. Maybe I want to be a chef.
Tomorrow I am relocating to a new office, with my whole team. It represents a new set of challenges, and I'll miss the atmosphere at the main office. But it is such an exciting step for us as an organisation, and it also means that we have a chance to replicate our amazing dynamic in a new location. Ideas on a postcard for how to make it the best office ever...
It is official
I'm a morning person. I love them. Once I'm settled in my new office I'm going to start working 8-4 (ok, well it'll probably be 8-6 but still). This morning I got up by 5, and it has been brilliant. I've done loads, and got to grips with some of the longer-term projects I've been incubating for a while. It's all about the morning bursts.
I tell you what it's not about - tea! Yes, that's right, tea. This year I am going to cut caffeine pretty much out of my life. Because I've had a cold for the past few days I've not drunk any and I feel fantastic. I feel in tune with my bodyclock. I also feel slightly high...
Seems I'm not the only one who doesn't know my left from my right...
I read this in today's Guardian. It's an article by Nick Cohen about how the left has lost it's way, particularly over Iraq. It's about how the liberal left have become apologists for those they would have once opposed, their agenda driven by their opposition to neo-Cons. I think there's a deeper point here, about how anger rarely builds something lasting, that opposition, while sometimes necessary, cannot make society work. As someone born with a chip-shaped notch in my shoulder, I know how easy, indeed pleasurable it is to get angry about something, to point out injustice. It is far harder to articulate a positive vision of society. I know what I'm against, but what am I for? What is Labour for? What is the Church for?
How the bitterness is going
Those of you who remember things will remember my resolution to fight against the bitterness and cycnicism that I have allowed to creep into my heart over the past decade or so. Thus far it's actually going really well, which is encouraging given that January is the month of scary anniversaries.
I'm learning that weeding out bitterness is a partnership process. It requires me to make choices, to nip thoughts in the bud and retract comments, but is made possible by a gradual softening of the harder parts of my heart.
As a side-effect, I'm finding that I'm praying with more faith - yay 