Sometimes I think there are two Gods - the one of the Old Testament - petty, local and definitely not one who would like a monkey like me. Then there's the God of the New Testament - radical, all-loving, full of grace. Yet lately I keep stumbling across passages like the below, and it seems the the character of God didn't change, rather that his passionate longing for reconciliation with his people was embodied, and with that there was a different revelation. Last night I read this, in Isaiah 51:
"I, I am he who comforts you; why then are you afraid of a mere mortal who must die, a human being who fades away like grass?
You have forgotten the Lord, your maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth. You fear continually all day long because of the fury of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction.
But where is the fury of the oppressor?
The oppressed shall speedily be released; they shall not die and go down to the pit, nor shall they lack bread. For I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar."
Of late I have been saddened by the corruption and general purposelessness of the Labour Party. In the words of some song, "I need a hero" - but here is all the hero I will ever need. One who speaks and acts for the oppressed. One who never stops banging on about them, yet has compassion for the oppressor too. Which is lucky for me, since with my purchasing habits and general Western lifestyle, I am an oppressor too.
So having sneered at others for their sick-taking ways, I have now come to the end of my second day off. For years I have called man-flu flu, but now I know real flu. It's made me all delirious and weird, and I can't spell.
Tomorrow I absolutely have to be better. I have a new member of staff starting, who also happens to be a friend, and I really want to be there. I also worry that everyone else will be monkeying around and getting behind in my absence. So tonight I'm going to eat 7 kinds of vegetables and 3 kinds of fruit, and then head to bed with night nurse pills. Tomorrow I WILL be totally, 200% well. Yes, yes I will.
I have got my internet-hating housemate addicted to facebook. Hahahahaha...
Tonight I had a bit of a breakthrough in some ways. Worked late, prayed with a friend for a bit, then staggered home under the weight of a bag full of more work. Usually Thursdays are my only night in, and my housemate's only night out, but tonight our schedules coincided, and we sat on the sofa to eat truffles and drink red wine. Then we talked, better than we have talked in a long time. I realised in that conversation that I'm not as different as I think I am, that I'm not the only person with the fears I have.
At the moment I'm realising a lot of the fears I have hidden - as usual man things are acting as some sort of catalyst for bringing it all back to God and begging to be changed. The answer is deceptively simple; the answer is to trust.