I suffer from fear of failure. That doesn't sound so bad, right? Well it's bad. I get palpitations at the thought of less than 110%. I imagine a future in which no-one loves me, and in which the world falls apart because of some mistake I make. For me, abject failure consists in making a mistake, any mistake! So this week I had a bit of a chat about this with my boss, as it's crippling me somewhat. Every week I face a potential workload that is simply too much for one, or even six, people to achieve and my attitude to it up til now has been an unsustainable one - namely I have been borrowing energy and health from future-Bex. The issue, and possibly my savng grace, is that the job is never going to diminish, because there are always more and more opportunities to do good things. This means that I am being forced to confront my fear of failure.
One reason I fear failure so much is that I find it easy to forget success. We all know that one negative comment can prey on the mind longer than 10 encouragements. I think this is even more true for the judgements we make on ourselves. So I have resolved to occasionally take stock of what I have achieved, both in work and outside. I'm a little scared that this will make me proud and boastful but I think that actually it will help me to see how much God, and other people, play a part in it all.
Next week I'm going to be in Ireland with a good friend for a few days. Time enough while flying across the Irish Sea to note down what I have achieved these past 6 months. Perhaps I'll use the return journey to set some goals for the 6 months ahead.
This may all sound like lovely, whimsical navel-gazing but it's actually critical. If I can't change in this way I'm not going to be able to continue being in Senior Management roles because I will have a breakdown. My friends and family have been amazingly accommodating of the fact that I put work before them all the time, but no-one is infinitely patient. Sailing above the clouds and counting my boxes ticked will make me feel better, and probably encourage me, but I need God to deal with the deeper fears at the root of it. When I was five I lied to my parents and told them I'd won a stupid Easter Bonnet competition at school. Not because they cared remotely whether I won, but because I needed them to believe I was the best... at five! So unnecessary - my dad thinks I'm the crown of creation just because I was born! Some of the need to win might be inbuilt type-A programming, and might be with me til I die but I refure to believe that God programmes fear into any of us, so I'm going to pursue his perfect love that drives out all fear...
Wish me luck!