OuterCore

Fear is the root of all stress

I'm very stressed right now, so am taking a break to blog. I will pour it all out, then delete tomorrow, or not as fancy takes me.

So I'm writing this business plan. I'm basically bullshitting my way through it, as to write it properly I'd need about 5 years experiencing managing a restaurant/cafe, an MBA, and probably at least 1 year's experience running a start-up. As I have none of the above, I am a) stressed and b) stretched. Though as a team we've recently pulled off some fairly jammy coups, the chances of this one are slim to none This is owing to the fact that despite getting a degree from the University of Cambridge based on nothing more than bullshitting skills, the University of Life requries rather more background study than a modern academic degree and thus I am basically not able to do this. However it just might pull off, if my written words and my bosses interview skills on Monday can weave a web just strong enough to get them to buy in. The frustrating thing is that as a concept this cafe is amazing, and I remain 100% convinced that we could do it, but we have Primary Care Trust hoops to jump through!

I think the reason I'm so stressed about it is that I feel like there is no-one I can turn to for help. None of my colleagues, not even my boss, would actually be able to write this, so I'm the best of a bad bunch here, having at least written some minor stuff like this before, and being blessed with speed-reading and speed-waffling skills. There are probably several much more highly qualified people I could have asked to read it had I had a month in which to do so, but I found out about this yesterday, and it's due in less than 24 hours, so that's impossible now. So it's all on me really. And now we get down to the crux of all this, and yet another illustration that work can be so wonderful as a replacement for therapy. You see what I have realised is that my main stress comes not from the importance of the project, as although it will be incredible if we get it, nothing will change if we don't. Rather my stress stems from the fact that it all rests on me, and that activates my deep fear that I will be seen through, and proved insufficient.

The author of Wild at Heart witters on about how men need to feel that they are sufficient, or something along those lines, but as a woman I have that need just as strongly. At many times in my life, especially at those times when given a big reponsibility, or when praised highly or loved dearly I have feared discovery, and rejection. Sometimes I look at the trajectory of my career and wonder when someone's going to cotton on to the fact that I'm not really fit for anything more senior than my first job, as a receptionist.  I know that one of the reasons for this fear is that I'm a bit of a striver, an optimistic overseller, and when you're stretching yourself there's a sense in which is is nothing but truth that you aren't really fully able to do what you're promising. But that's not the whole picture, because surely as people of faith we can dare to do things we're hilariously underqualified for. Another true thing that I need to grasp is that the people around me aren't all idiots, and while I have my massive weaknesses, if I was really so hideously incompetent under it all someone would have noticed by now.

So I'm going to get back to it now, after a quick walk through the London streets for some fresh air. I'm going back to it in faith that I'm able to do some things, and that through him who strengthens me I can do all things. So if this is His thing, I can do it!

7.3.07 20:56